Thursday, February 2, 2012

Yesterday was the day! But yesterday came and went, and here we are in today, and necessarily so, given the laws and boundaries of physics.

So it appears that the laws of biology and chemistry are more forgiving. Who knew? Just because the little  plastic gestation table reads "DUE DATE: FEBRUARY 1" doesn't mean that the woman's body can't do something else entirely. I mean, the woman's body can do something else entirely -it's what men, and especially husbands, know. So we're a bit overdue, which ordinarily wouldn't concern me since the virtue of punctuality has never been high on my list. It's different for Mrs. Ditchman, who has in the past claimed a biochemistry akin to fabled German clockwork. So I have deferred to her, and here I find myself tapping my fingers, in the face of it all.

It's been the source of some stress around here, with Home Show appointments and the weight of winter bills upon us. Not to mention the children, who, I'm sure, look to the coming of this new baby with some hesitant mistrust. All will be well in the end, I remind them. That is, if it's not the death of me:

Yes, it's true. I was denied health coverage because of my "impending fatherhood." Forget the fact that I've been a father for more than half a decade, but am I missing something here? Is there something inherently dangerous to fatherhood that makes one a high risk for an insurance company? If I had known that I could be sucking down Red Bull and cigarettes and bunji jumping into animal fat, I'd have been indulging since 2006. Truth is, I probably shouldn't be applying for health coverage from a company that isn't sure what sex I am, anyway. (See: "Mr./Ms. Hawkins")

So my death-defying peregrination has been put off, of late, and if it's such a dicey endeavor, I am glad of it. Still, it is Groundhog Day, and the repetition of the daily schedule (don't make plans too far from the hospital, monitor wife's contractions to no avail, etc.) has me nonplussed, mildly concerned, and a tad stressed. One man can tolerate diminished testosterone levels and exhibit acute nesting behaviors only for so long.

I looked up the recipe for the salad that induces labor on the Internet and found a few acupressure points I might try, among other things. There was also this calm, sagely advice: "Don't worry. No one stays pregnant forever." Truly encouraging. I might note that on my health care applications.