This is the second day I've awoken to the cat having cat diarrhea running down and saturating the Persian fur of his aged, hind legs. It is an epic, demoralizing tail [sic]. Also, he barfed. Then, when he got no response from his owners, he trailed litter all the way downstairs and plopped his defiled self on the family room rug, where he waited patiently for us to wake, come down, and join him. Good morning! he purrs, demurely.

When we do come down he demands breakfast, but receives punishment. We banish him outdoors, which is a real punishment for an indoor longhair. He sits on the back doormat forlornly, like a background extra in a documentary on Turkish prisons. You can't hear him meow through the slider, rather, you just see his little quivering mouth, opening and closing. You begin to feel sorry for him, until you seem him licking off his effluent backside.

Yesterday, I went out after a couple hours, pulled him onto the back lawn and hosed him off with the garden sprayer. It seemed to do the trick, but then he was too wet to allow back inside. The sun was out, so I thought I'd give him another 45 minutes or so. 45 minutes later I saw him through the window, laying in the dirt. He mocked me. He mocked us all.

I was able to find something slightly amusing about it yesterday, but unfortunately today I can't seem to recall what that was. There will be another regrettable hosing later, and then, a shave. After that, I'll have to hose and shave myself. It's the only way to get myself clean from the ricocheting flak of furry feline excreta. What a Monday.

This cat is nearing twenty, I believe, and all this hosing and shaving can't be adding any days to his life. It's amazing he tolerates it at all, but let's be clear: there will be plenty of clawing, biting, and hissing later. I'll need my welding gloves. Monday.

I've already got plenty to do today, and this will be the task that gets in all the way. But I'm feeling better! Thank you for asking. The illness blew swiftly through, like a summer thunderstorm, like the one that's coming tomorrow that will water my dying garden. I'll have to remember to put the cat out early.


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