Isn't Every Day Labor Day?

If you've ever wondered what it was we have to thank Grover Cleveland for, it's Labor Day. If it wasn't for him, we'd be celebrating May Day, which is what the communists celebrate, and I imagine we might still be in the Cold War as a result.

Millions of brutal deaths aside, anything cold sounds nice right about now. The family wisely spent the Labor Day afternoon at someone else's house today. Someone sober and thoughtful. Someone smart. Someone who has an air conditioner. And a pool. Someone like Great Aunt Barbara, who enjoys a good champagne pomegranate cocktail.

One is not supposed to wear white after Labor Day. Makes sense to me. In Canada, one is not supposed to wear Green after Remembrance Day, and that's just plain outrageous. Also, one is supposed to wear a straw cowboy hat up until Labor Day, and a felt hat after that and until Memorial Day. This is just plain bogus as all of my felt hats are white.

I love any holiday where you're actually supposed to do the opposite of what the day is named after. Labor Day, you take the day off. Terrific! I know there's some joke in here about not facing east on Easter, but I'm just not feeling it right now.

My brother, Dain, has enrolled in a college course! It's some business class. I asked him what he's learned so far (it's only been one class) and he explained to me the difference between a "job" and a "career", which is good to know. Unfortunately, his definition of a career required me to go back to college, administrate responsibility to a bunch of other people, (these are called "employees") and then demand I make a lot more money. So tomorrow I go back to my job.

Speaking of higher education, the Little Ditchman has a new word. (You heard it here first, folks! -as I compete with the Mrs. for the blogspace on our daughter's most recent cuteness.) The word is awesome!

No, that's the word! "AWESOME!" except it sounds more like "Aiysumm", which is a much better word. We're not really sure how she picked it up -it must have been something we were saying. The other day we were showing her a new toy and we said "Look! Isn't that fun!" and she said, "Fun!" and then one of us said, "Awesome!" and then she said, "Aiysumm!" So it's a crack up. Whenever you say "fun", she say's "aiysumm". I wish there was some way to do those little sound bite things on the blog like Lileks does, then I'd record her and play it for you on a loop. But I can't, so you'll just have to come over.

A couple other words tossed around the table (by the adults) today were "inertia" and "abstract". "Inertia" is one of those, you-know-it-when-you-see-it sort of things, so it was hard to grasp, and then "abstract" just couldn't be explained concretely. We all think we're such smart adults until we have to describe a word with other words, which seems to come so naturally to our kid. Oh, give me the good old days of being a kid. Something was either "fun" or it wasn't, and if it was "fun" it was "awesome". Interestingly, "fun" is generally an abstract concept and "inertia" usually has something to do with the "fun" taking place, but when you were a kid if you were at all aware of it, you weren't having fun at all.

So the inertia of another work week has us within its grasp, and guess what? Tomorrow is already hump day! Aiysumm!

It's Not the Heat, It's the Humility

I wasn't going to let it get to me today.

The kid, she was up before the sun and she was gonna let it know where to shine it. Laying in bed, I canceled my plans to work on the Great Re-Wiring -going in the attic on a day like this would have been suicide. I got up and got dressed in my swimsuit and the loosest, thinest shirt I had in my wardrobe. I got the windows open and the fans on before my first cup of coffee, and after that I made a nice salsa verde with ingredients fresh from the garden. Then I went down to the store to stock up on beer and a bunch of other cool things like halibut for dinner. After the kid woke from her noon nap, we filled the kiddie pool with the hose, turned on the sprinklers, donned our sunscreen and sunglasses, and made a pitcher of champagne pomegranate cocktails. Then I played some cheerful pop tunes on the outdoor speaker system (and, yes, I do mean "speaker" in the singular.) No sir, it wasn't gonna get us today. Never underestimate the all-surpassing power of a cheerful pop tune.

There's a few things in life you just can't change. Consider the Forces of Nature. You're just gonna have to roll with them, figure out the best way to get comfortable, and then make it happen, all the while preparing for the worst. Incidentally, there was an earthquake this morning. Not a big one, but a Reminder. Mrs. Ditchman yelled down from the upstairs, "Did you feel that!?" and we turned on the news, and there it was. No, Nature's not our friend. Any tree-hugger who thinks so, should spend some time naked in the Sierra with no Monticelli cabin for miles and see how long they last.

It's the Forces of Human Nature that are the real problem in life, and you're gonna have to humble yourself significantly to work through those. I've been well-prepared and alone in the Sierra for days on end myself, and I know how those demons surface all the same. But we're not in the Sierra! We've got a roof over our heads and clothes on our backs and champagne pomegranate cocktails -so suck it up! We're only gonna be here for a while, so we better make the most of it, do well, and enjoy each other! This life is really great if you just shut up about the lame stuff.

If You Saw a Heat Wave, Would You Wave Back?

Yes, it's hot enough for me. Oh, I should probably shut up about it already, but it's hot. And by "hot" I mean just all-around irritatingly hot. It's not hot like Las Vegas/Death Valley hot, I actually like that kind of heat -dry, searing, sunny heat. No, this hot is like a walking illness. It's like bathing in a day-old soup. You just can't get comfortable, can't take off enough clothes, always sticky. We don't have air conditioning, but I walked past the thermostat (which read in the nineties all day) and noticed that there was a switch on it that I could set to "Cool", if I wanted. I knew it wouldn't do anything and I thought about switching it over just for the psychological effect, but then it occurred to me that a tiny microwatt of power might be utilized in the attempt to turn on the invisible air conditioner, and I didn't want even that much more heat in the house. San Diego Gas and Electric asked all their customers to conserve energy by setting their thermostats to 78 degrees. 78! I dream of 78! And when the sun goes down finally, it's hotter in your house than it is outside. Man. Days like these you wish you lived in Lemon Grove, Best Climate On Earth.

My wife mentioned we might want to seriously consider a "Whole House Fan" and I immediately pictured a 50'x50' box fan plugged into the main power grid, erected out in the street, blocking traffic. That sounds good. Set it to "High". But no, she means the big fan that sucks all the air out of your house and up into the attic where hot air belongs. I guess. At this point, the heat is dimming any distant notion of comfort. The poor Little Ditchman tonight just refused to put her diaper on when she got out of the bath. Who can blame her? What would you do if someone forced you to wear a diaper in this heat?

I think the heat has affected one of my hard drives. Of course, it's the one with all the music on it, and it seems the data that holds the music to all of Elvis Presley's number one hits has been corrupted. Not that I wanted to listen to "Burning Love" all day, but it's screwing with the AppleTV. Yes, yes, I hear you smirking in the distance. Turns out the AppleTV is having trouble syncing everything because of it. It tries and tries and tries, all the while bogging down my computer, so I can't get anything else done. Of course, the AppleTV has a processor in it that's twice as fast as my computer, so I guess I should be glad it works at all.

Another thing, this AppleTV gets frickin' HOT! And you can't turn it off! That's right, there's no on/off switch on this thing. Genius! Apple is so innovative and forward thinking, you really have to hand it to them on this one. But seriously, the thing gets so hot they should've made it in the shape of a coffee mug coaster. At one point today in my feverish binge to get the house cooled by at least a single degree, I seriously considered the possibility that it was the AppleTV that was causing the heatwave. That, or the 500 watt metal halide bulb I use on my aquarium. And we've been out of beer all week. Either way, I was dying here. My poor little kid was just slumped on the couch muttering, "Elmo... elmo... elmo..." I gave her some ice.

So when my wife came home from work I fired up the barbecue, but only because I wasn't about to work the stove top and oven inside. Actually, it probably would've been fine to just suck on the frozen chicken thighs for dinner, right out of the freezer.

And we recently got new sheets for our bed, too, and a nice, cushy comforter (!) so I'm not looking forward to not sleeping tonight. I think I'd rather just lay here on the hardwood floor. "Look, honey! I think I found the lowest spot in the house!"

Anyway, as I lay there in my boxer shorts and pathetically complain through it all, the cat saunters in and just looks at me like, you think you got it bad?

Regarding the Significant Photo of the Week

For all those concerned: the AppleTV is still cool. But mostly because I finally get to listen to my personal library in the living room and because I had a gift card. Oh and because of the AppleTV screensaver. It is bitchen.

I've been getting a lot of queries about the Significant Photo of the Week: Glowstickman, so I thought I'd elaborate.

Okay, I admit it. No one has actually asked about it. But I know you were all wondering, huh? Of course!

A year ago, Kelly Keener ordered about fifteen hundred glowsticks from China. China's a long ways away and they didn't arrive until after we got back from camp. Kelly ended up using the blue ones for his Halloween costume. He was Tron. Or, at least he said he was Tron. He left his camera in an Altoids box in the taxicab and never saw it again, so we never saw pictures, but he brought the remainder of the glowsticks to camp this year and I thought it would make a good stickman costume. No one really got what I was talking about, and Mitch wandered in to the cabin a few minutes before the big glowstick event and said, "Hey, uh, Kelly said I'm supposed to go out and announce the game and then you're supposed to come out in some glowstick costume." He thought Kelly was joking. (You see, we never really plan these things.) I said, "Uh huh, yeah." Mitch laughed, shook his head, and left. I grabbed a handy Star Trekkin' costume and began taping the glowsticks to it. And here's how it turned out:


It was a big hit! The kids all screamed, running up to me like I was some alien movie star. It was pretty cool. Like AppleTV.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE! I NOW GIVE YOU: APPLE TV!

And then I went to bed. This was an altogether painful experience. Now, I know I've tended to write about painful experiences recently, and I'm sorry, but here's another.

As previously mentioned, The Great Re-Wiring was brought on by the purchase of the HDTVFLATSCREENAWESOMENESS, and that just led to new and exciting problems in the household. Because if you're going to tear a bunch of holes in the wall to put in a new TV cable and electrical outlet, you might as well run that speaker wire and ethernet cable and really just go for it. So I did. No one in the house was amused.

I made one of my FANTASTICALLYWELLRECEIVED dvds lately for a family member (note, sarcasm, esp. in regards to last year's highly anticipated Year-In-Review dvd, and the much-touted Washington D.C. Adventure dvd, and the 9-months-long-delayed Camp Fox dvd) and was thanked graciously with a gift card to the Apple Store. (Yahoos all around!) Being a stalwart Mac addict, I'd been saving up for a new computer and figured this would help the cause, but somehow I talked myself into using it for something I wouldn't otherwise spend the money on: the new Mac Digital Picture iFrame, uh, I mean Apple TV. I figured it would go with the project of the moment.

So last night I found myself in the attic, sweating profusely, rolling around in the insulation and pulling wires through the studs, all the while inhaling hantavirus dust and with an intermittently working flashlight. You know that feeling when you're busting your butt on something and the whole time you just know it's not worth it? Last night I had that feeling. That, and the prickly sensation of microscopic fiberglass insulation fibers embedded in my skin that would last for the next 24 hours.

But I got it up and running around midnight to a Ho-Hum Fanfare, and well, I just took a shower and went to bed. Turns out the device took all night to download my music and photos, anyway. Destitute of spirit, I didn't blog.

I'd mentioned the AppleTV to the Mrs. a few times recently and was always met with: "This affects me how?" and "We need this why?" and a few others, which evidently I had not answered sufficiently on previous occasions. In explaining it to her, it occurred to me that it's really just another iPod, as if we needed one of those, but this iPod, you see, it's for the TV! Right. She saw it in it's Blazing Glory this morning and exhibited the amount of interest usually reserved for that springtime glance you give to the snail you just stepped on.

Oh well.

So, I went to work and then came home and fired up the barbecue and made myself a margarita and then went over to the infernal thing to light it up again to see what the big fuss was about. Pretty Cool. No, really! For the first time since we've lived in the house I was able to listen to my personal music library downstairs in the living room. (The Adult-Alternative station on our cable receiver is getting quite stale.) And then when the family photos came up on the screen in all their Mactastic Presentation, well... let me say, the whole family just came to a stop and stared. There was smiling and pointing! I was immediately stricken by how much better the pics look on the living room wall in full high-def color as opposed to the inert computer screen the modern age of digital cameras has relegated us to. Wonderful!

I went outside to flip the meat at sunset, favorite tunes sliding out of the (so far) one speaker on the patio, took a sip of my margarita in the August heat and thought: Worth it -and- What a life! -and- This year, the Year In Review party will be held at my place!

I'll try and get all those holes in the walls patched up for that one.

www.apple.com/appletv

No, We Are Not There Yet

Yes, a fine weekend was had in Fish Camp, at the Monticelli Family cabin! Much wonderful company was had, and much excellent wine was drank, much of it by Massimo and myself, and the toddlers and wives were tolerant through it all. It is significant that you can find yourself sitting across a table with a few old friends and still discover new things about each other, and things that you have in common. For example, Jane and I have the same birthday (and none of this half birthday nonsense, I'm talking about the same date) and Marci and Jane were born in the same hospital in Fresno. Massimo is still looking for something unique that he has in common with us all, but for now he makes wine and we enjoy drinking it and that is pleasantly sufficient.

There is a wine cellar in the basement. Perhaps "wine cellar" and "basement" are an overstatement. There are many old, one gallon Gallo jugs that have "96" written on the cap and that contain wine. These jugs are on the garage shelf, and hidden behind them is "the good stuff" which is contained in smaller, 750 ml Gallo bottles. The date of the Good Stuff is usually marked on the old Gallo label, and it's sometimes marked twice, so just go with the more recent date. Evidently, Grandfather Monticelli stored his wine up in the Fish Camp garage because it was just too damn hot down in the valley. Evidently, he re-used the bottles.

And God bless him for it! The jugs are filled with a most drinkable wine and the Good Stuff truly is. Massimo spryly worked the kitchen and the carafes all weekend, often fashioning a Fish Camp meritage right there at the table with a bottle of his wine and a jug of his Grandfather's. Soon, the wood fired barbecue was lit and crackling, and you'd stroll out on the creaking wood deck, wine glass in hand, the sounds of the children laughing from within the cabin and cricket song from without, and you'd look up at the emerging stars in the twilight and think, whatever Grandfather Monticelli did in his life, he did it right. I pray that my legacy might be the same: that in some distant future, some blogging shmo might experience the fruit of my labours, and be as grateful.

And in that future, may mobile blogging work as intended. I guess I shouldn't be disappointed that the nation's most prized National Parks are not forested with cel towers yet, but I had high hopes for the weekend. It was not envisioned that I would have to dart up a hill and hold my mobile phone up to outer space, whilst leaning in the direction of Bakersfield and remaining perfectly still as my 65 kilobyte set of data beamed itself to the internet, but ah, well... Fun all the same. I would have posted more if I'd bought that $4000 satellite phone I had my eye on, and I'm sure the iPhone would have cleverly captioned the photos for me.

It was the Little Ditchman's first trip to Yosemite! She loved it, of course, since her Daddy and Mommy love it so much. We loaded her into the backpack and carried her up the Vernal Falls mist trail, (leaving this recent marathon runner wondering how he'd ever made it to any finish line.) Yosemite is a magical, awe-inspiring place. One spends the bulk of the day looking up, as God designed it that way. We only had time for the short (but solid) hike up the enchanting Vernal Falls. I've seen that waterfall many times in my life, but I've never seen it with a little angel whispering in my ear a new word: "waerfaa...waerfaa..." It was never so beautiful. God's glory never so radiant, never so relevent.

So, yes, there was a certain amount of giving in to modernity's pull on this trip, the least of which was the portable DVD player we bought and hung on the back of the headrest. As parents who enjoy a good road trip, we had backseated this idea, so to speak, until the pained cries of the bored child could no longer go unanswered, and now we listen to Elmo's World, which induces a certain amount of pained cries all its own. That's Parenting. You pick and choose your battles, for you just can't win them all. Grandparenting, I imagine, involves hiding the good stuff behind the jugs in the garage so the grandkids won't find it until after you've long gone on The Ultimate Road Trip -the destination of which I imagine is not unlike the Monticelli deck in Fish Camp, at twilight, your children laughing in the distance, and a nice glass of wine.

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A final morning in the Sierra, and then it's back to the things of man.