And thus ends our sojourn of paternity leave. Total cost to the family business... really now, shall we go there? We shan't.

It's back to work today. The sun-soaked Southern California heatwaves are behind us, but a few summer-loving holdouts still want their shade, God bless 'em. Even Mrs. Ditchman is heading off to work today, much to the chagrin of everyone in the abode under three who will wait in the car with Granny and a DVD. Look kids, someone's got to pay for those diapers. As long as you refuse to use the potty, we all lose.

Speaking of... It is disarming when you're having coffee, catching some morning news, and you look over to see your little girl standing behind the couch grunting and huffing, trying to fill her shorts. Usually it's best not to interrupt (we fear the potty has been stigmatized, somehow) but with the blood rushing to her face and those little teeth clenched you can't help but ask if everything's coming out all right. No answer. "It's hard sometimes, huh?" The double meanings lost on her (or perhaps not.) "Yeah," she replied. I got up and got another cup of coffee, diuretic that it is.

0 minutes later, half the people in the house had full diapers. I got the big one, mommy got the little one (double meaning, that one.) I think I would have preferred the little one, but I admit I'm still on the blind side of the learning curve with him. The little squirter aims for your nostril as soon as that diaper comes off, and then there's the wrangling around the umbilical stub and the other, ahem, recently lobbed sensitive regions. And, hey, you could lubricate the engine room of the QE2 with all the ointment, goos, adhesives and creams we have around here! I know, I know: it'll all end some day and I'll miss it. Can't I miss it sooner?

The Ditchman Supercomputer is still in the shop, no doubt sitting on some genius' desk waiting to break down. I'm starting to long for its return, but it's possible I got more standing tasks accomplished these past few days in my avoidance of the office desk, so that's good. Still, having all your photo, video, music, address, and web site projects hauled off for an indeterminate period does bring about some dismay, but I suspect we'll survive.

Lileks was perfect today with a post that starts with a good cropping job and a trip to the hardware store with a detour around a drive-thru, riffs around the mid-section with astute Indiana Jones anecdotes, and then wells up to a glistening finish about the man who baptized his daughter. Didn't everybody in America have the same weekend? I hope so. Change? Bah. As long as America has Americans in it, this country is more or less fine the way it is.


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How I could fill a whole day with nothing, I could never think up on my own. But I did it! I suppose the mere mention of the concept invalidates itself, now that I think of it, so we'll just call yesterday A Day Left Wanting. How unfortunate. And how frustrating.

I went to the pet store, which did not have what I was looking for, so I went to another pet store, which had a similar inventory catered to others with even less perfunctory needs, if that's possible. (I suppose it is. I saw a vast array of products and people in line unenthusiastically buying them. Then I left empty-handed.) Then I went to Aaron Bros. for a frame, but they didn't have what I was looking for, so I went to Cost Plus World Market, which also did not have what I was looking for. There were frames, per se, but alas. Why must I be so specific in my tastes? It only creates more grief when I tire of the selection and have to replace it. Went home. Resigned myself to two things: I will never be an interior designer and the cat's lucky to be alive.

I began the re-screening projects, but I pulled the screen material too taught and the things bows like a... well, like a bow. I'll have to re-do that, then.

And then I looked into the computer repair thing. Aackk! Yesterday was the last day of my warranty and the thing hadn't finished breaking down yet! I hauled it off to the geniuses and complained to them, "No, really. It's on it's way out! Just plug it in and leave it for a few days -you'll see!" So they took it on my word. (I didn't have a choice. It was either haul it in last minute or cough up a few hundred to fix it on my own, but I'm still hoping for that free video card upgrade! It's been, like, four whole months -aren't those things obsolete yet?!) Now I'm back clattering on the Old Reliable. My plans to edit video all weekend dashed along with the frames and the screens and the pet supplies.

Let's hope this isn't what it's going to be like in the Age Of Obama. I think I'm going to spend my weekend waxing my board, for when those waters part, I'm gonna shoot the curl.

Have a good one! (This phrase has always bothered me. A good what, exactly? What are you wishing me? A good weekend? Oh, all right.)


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It's National Write A Novel In A Month Month! How's yours coming? I guess the goal is to write a 50,000 word novel in a single month. There are no prizes, outside of the thrilling pride of boasting about the novel you just wrote. I was going to get started but... I need to rearrange my sock drawers.

Actually, 50,000 words is not that much. About 175 pages. That's about 1600 words a day. My blog entry yesterday was 900 words. I could spend an extra ten minutes a day and have War and Peace by Christmas, but who would read it? (Who could?) I'll put it on the list for next year's goals.

Been working on the house this week, and that with two kids! (Thank you, Mrs. Ditchman.) I do a little bit here, a little bit there, paint this and that, patch this and that, nail those over there, dig some here, dig some there, and it seems to go on forever. But then one day you turn around and -hey!- I'm going to sprint to the finish line! That's how it's been around here for years now and we're down to the last couple rooms. I'm sure they'll be beautiful when we're done and then, as a result of the wintry economic climate, the bank will take the house. Oh well. (They're gonna love it!)

My computer is beginning to show me artifacts again. Yes, it sounds like a nice archaeological diversion, but it's really the video card going south for the winter. Same thing happened a while back, you'll remember, and the Apple Geniuses did what they could. I just looked up my warranty and it expires TODAY! It's funny, because I got a phone call last week from the nice people at Apple wanting to know if I'd like to extend my warranty for another couple years and a couple hundred bucks. No thanks! I said. Works great! A couple days later: artifacts. Mighty suspicious. I can see the ad now: "I'm a Mac." "And I'm a PC. Tell me Mac, how do you stay in business?" "Oh PC, we build our obsolescence right into the operating system! The computer then knows exactly when to break down, forcing the user to turn to us directly, since there are so few authorized retailers." "Genius!"

So I better get on that this afternoon, but the thing breaks down only intermittently at this point, so I'm not optimistic. At least this didn't happen. (Yet.) I don't believe Apple would let something like this go, actually, because killing off your base of customers is not a sound business policy. Anyway, come on Apple, you're losing me!

I want to welcome my sister to the blogosphere! Hey sis! Can't wait for the next post! It was cold here in Oceanside last night and we were all complaining about it, so those visions of sunny Hawaii are an inspiration to us all. Glad to hear they get the Internet out there!

Check out: Life In Kailua.


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OH NO! OBAMA! NO! THIS COUNTRY IS SCROOOOOD! I'M PACKING UP THE FAMILY AND THE GUNS AND MOVING TO ALASKA!
(Just kidding. I don't own any guns.)

Seriously though, good game Barry. What a fight. You deserve it. There are a few very good things that can come out of this that I will concede. One is that racism is now dead in America, and we should be able to finally move past it. Whites elected a black man for president. Wow! Are there still racists in our country? Yes, and probably as much so as in any other country (if not less.) There will always be scummy people tarnishing the image of this great land, and there's only so much you can do about it.

Secondly, though our nation's image abroad is not of particular importance to me, it is to many, and Americans electing Obama shows the world that we can move in a creative direction and change our image if we so desire. Good things should come of this, and I, for one, look forward to them.

And third, for all the talk about unity and "bringing our nation together" I really want to see it. Of all things, Obama, I bid you: make it so. I happen to think that there will be some unity coming. I expect the defeated party (my side) will not lash out and riot, as some left wingers threatened to do if McCain had won. This country could use some unity, given what's at stake in the world. Anyway, that's a lot more important than our image abroad.

I can totally understand why Obama won the presidency. With two wars and terrorism and a collapsed economy and nuclear arms proliferation and growing fears of global environmental crisis, the man in charge will take the fall. He got two shots at it. Let's let someone else screw it up for a while! (Ha!) What baffles me is why anyone would choose to not only re-elect, but add seats to, the congress with the lowest approval ratings in the history of the country. With all the talk of Bush's approval ratings being so low, does no one notice that congressional disapproval ratings have hovered at 75% for over a year now? It's nearly impossible to find anyone in this country who thinks congress is doing a good job! At one point, it was even below 10% approval. (As one politician put it, that's family members and paid staffers!) Republicans got a truly astounding trouncing yesterday.

Add to the show that Joe Biden won twice last night (he held on to his Senate seat), Illinois needs a new senator (Obama's got a new job), and Alaska re-elected a convicted felon, who will serve out the beginning of his term from a jail cell while Sarah Palin selects someone to replace him. Crazy.

All told, the big winner was me! The local moms group has been bringing over dinner every night. I opened a nice bottle of wine and hung with my beautiful family. Plus: I got the week off!

Also, conservative talk radio is going to be really good the next few years! There's nothing like solid conflict to electrify the drama! For the record, my man in 2012 is Bobby Jindal, current governor of Louisiana. I heard he got on a plane for Iowa last night, kicking off his campaign. (No, seriously. He did.)

Lastly, on the way to the polling place yesterday, I noticed this just around the corner from my house, in my neighborhood:


I don't know where to begin with this. I do believe that racism, as we have understood it this past century, is dead in America -but other problems clearly linger. When we disagree in this county, we debate and hold a vote. The debate should be civil. The vote should stand. Obama is our president, o' ye with the can of spray paint and hate in your heart, and these are our laws. Grow up or get out.

I was chatting with the supervisor at my polling place yesterday. She said that one year she had a voter, a Russian immigrant in his seventies who had just become a citizen. He arrived before the polls opened and stood there in the rain. He wanted to see the swearing in of the poll workers. He wanted to see that the ballot box was empty and sealed. He wanted to say the pledge of allegiance. He wanted to vote. Then she told me that at the end of the day, this old man returned. She recognized him and asked him what was up. He wanted to make sure that the vote box was still sealed. He wanted to watch them count the votes. He just wanted to be sure that it was all real. Millions died in his old country. Millions.

To the guy that was waving the Russian hammer and sickle flag in front of the white house last night after Obama won: Wrong flag, sir. Put it away or get out. It's possible you don't belong here.

That kind of stuff just makes me mad. There is no place for swastikas or hammer/sickle symbols in this country.

No place.


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"Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard."

-Henry Mencken

Blah! Blah! Blah! Rightwingrahrahrahmumbojumboblah!

Vote today! Vote often! Vote for your dead ancestors! I cast a ballot for my newborn! He's a dyed in the wool Republican! I know, because I bought the indoctrination dye off the RNC website! VOTE!

I'm tired of all the ads telling me to vote. I mean, okay already! Setting aside my strong, patriotic feelings that only white, male landowners should vote -just as our founding fathers intended it- I am always saddened by these MTV-style ads urging the youth to vote. I mean, voting is good, a civic responsibility and a moral obligation and all that, but I would find it vastly more heartening if the MTV ads encouraged people to learn the issues, understand state's rights and the separation of powers, and know our country's history so that prior electoral errors are not repeated -but, alas, it doesn't fit into a sound byte.

And then you have this "early voting" thing. I mean, what is this? Absentee I can understand, you know, if you're off fighting for our country or having a baby or something, but voting a month early? Do we even need an election day, then? Why not have "late voting", too, after the results are in? It's only fair for those of us who weren't really paying attention to the campaigns. I don't think voting should be easy. It should be hard. You should have to take a test. You should have to know a few things. You should be able to recite the alphabet backwards while intoxicated. Winston Churchill spoke with wisdom when he uttered, "The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter."

I'll vote later this afternoon, after the midwife comes to visit. I don't expect to be asked to show I.D. Funny, you have to take a test to get a driver's license, but you won't need that license as a form of I.D. to vote for or against those roads you drive on. You will, however need a valid I.D. to get free sandbags in the event of a flood.

But what an amazing campaign! I found it truly fascinating to watch, though now it is becoming fascinating to watch in the sense that it's impossible to take your eye off a brutal car wreck. All the smears and comedy routines and unexpected economic downturns, and then yesterday the feel-good candidate's grandmother dies and doesn't get to see the boy she raised elected to the nation's highest office? At one point I think I heard that the image of Obama's face appeared in someone's wheatgrass smoothie. (Wait, no, it was in the seaweed at low tide.) Man, what drama! At this rate, one half expects McCain to pull out the biggest upset since Truman/Dewey, and then die of a heart attack from the shock of it all.


Moments later, President McCain collapsed in a massive coronary failure, giving America its first woman president.

Still, what a day. I now have a TV in the office here, up on the wall, and I'm going to leave it on until midnight (even though the first polls don't come in until 3:00.) I find politics a fun diversion, if you didn't notice. I flopped out of my government class in high school (my best friend's girlfriend was the teacher's aide and she fixed all my test scores), and I only passed with a C in my political science class in college because I figured out what the teacher wanted to hear and I gave it to her. Now I listen to right-wing talk radio all day to distract me from the demons in my head, and my mind has been filled with all sorts of genius (liberals read: gibberish.)

I'm not a debater. Try debating me, you will win. It will only take a few minutes, but launch into what you know and I will quickly transmogrify into a sobbing, quivering bowl of lukewarm flan intent on appeasing you. This is why I prefer the written word, sequestered safely up here in my second-story suburban tower with the curtains drawn and the cel phone on mute. Perhaps I should disable the Comments functionality on my blog today. Anyway, I know nothing. I am but an insignificant shill in the boundless liberal landscape of this blue Left Coast. But wow! Politics are spellbinding!

Which is why I have the other blog, The Suburban Conservative. Savvy bloggers who have read my lame profile any time in the past few months may have stumbled upon it on their own, too appalled to bring it up in polite conversation. I don't blame you. I meant it as a place to post all the political stuff out there that I found funny, with a conservative bent to it. (I mean, come on! Where are all the Obama jokes?!) The fact that I haven't posted much over there recently is not for a lack of material, by the way, but rather because there have been certain, uh, familial distractions of late that have kept me from keeping up with all my blogs. Anyway, I mention it here because I thought some of you might find it interesting and/or amusing. Perhaps you need more reasons to alienate yourself from me. I promise after today I'll put all my political wanderings over there, and won't bother you with them here. You don't have to check it out. I only have two readers anyway.

I suspect Obama will win today. Lincoln was the last guy to win who didn't look good on television, and that's the way it's been ever since: Kennedy, Carter, Reagan, Clinton -heck even Bush looked better on TV than Gore and Kerry. So it will probably be Obama, (because he's just so clean and articulate! Also, he sold more scary Halloween masks.) I had an analogy (however poor) that I shared with my wife this morning: "You are the general manager of a community organization like, say, the YMCA. You have two applicants to be the new camp director. One of them is an older guy who might not connect with the youth, but has a long, impressive resume, a record of public service, commendations for his accomplishments, and excellent references -some even from people who totally disagree with him on management style. He is totally qualified for the job. Then you have the other applicant who struts in with his charm and charisma and his nice smile, you immediately like him and you know all the kids do, and you take a look at his resume and there's not much there, it's more a list of his ambitions than his experience. He gives a great interview and speaks in broad idealistic terms instead of practical methods and solutions. He leaves the office and you feel great, even though he has some questionable friends on his MySpace page. Anyway, who would you choose?" I think this is when my wife pointed out that we're talking about the United States of America here, not summer camp.

Okay, so it's a flawed analogy. It may surprise you to hear that I'm not going to disembowel myself with a claw hammer or bang my head against a lead refrigerator for four years if Obama wins today. If Obama wins, he will be my president. "I believe my highest allegiance is not to a political party but to the Constitution of the United States." I admit I might mope a bit with the we'll-get-them-next-time attitude, but then I'll go back to regular life (which I'm actually looking forward to.) I think it was Jefferson who said that in a democracy, the people get the leaders they deserve. It's true.

Of course, Jefferson also said that "a government big enough to give you everything you want is also strong enough to take everything you have."

WOO HOO! SMALLER GOVERNMENT! I AM JOE THE PLUMBER! VOTE MCCAIN! PALIN'S NOT SO BAD EITHER! RED STATES ROCK!


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Got up this morning and the world felt like a new place. Everything in the home seemed different, and not the tired old wares you stare at day after day. I'm smiling more and just plain happy to love my roommates, even though half of them don't pay rent, expect me to feed them, and lack control of their bowels -but, no, hey I don't mind!

Of course, it could be the time change. You may think us lucky, having a new baby and then getting a free hour of sleep a few days into it, but let me remind you that these kids get up when they get up. They don't think, hey I get to sleep in an hour! On the contrary, they're the only ones already getting all the sleep they need. But I don't mind!

Mostly. It's election week! And if you hesitated to click on this blog this morning because you don't want to be T-boned by my conservative ideology, well, you lucked out. (My vote doesn't count in this state anyway.) I'm not going to get into it. The election is quite a show, but in this house it's a sideshow. Obama talks about "Change!" all the time but there are two kids here who need a real change, if you know what I mean. And if the McCain slogan was suddenly "Family First", he might have a bit more of my attention. But acckkkk... it is what it is. I've got plenty to say about it. I'll spare you.

Halloween was excellent, and we have the candy to prove it. Spent the weekend trying to figure out how to work this new family, all the while fielding the well-wishing, phone calls, and visitors. It's great. I started to edit a video of the new little digger, but I got so choked up I couldn't continue. Perhaps I'll fortify myself with a few beers tonight after everyone goes to sleep and then try again, but... that's right about when I fall off, too. We'll see.

I've got a week of getting stuff done around here, with a minimum amount of aluminum to wrangle, and I'm looking forward to pulling ahead a bit on the chores. It's November! The holidays are coming and anything not caught up on before Thanksgiving will drop off the schedule entirely, leaving me with a diminished sense of self come the new year (and we can't have that.)

Until then, enjoy the quiet and the sleep, oh ye without children!


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And the winner of the pool is:

Lynne who guessed 6lbs 3 oz and 20 inches. She even got the sex right!

Keaton's actual stats were: 6 lbs 8 oz and 19 inches -two ounces and an inch smaller than his big sister. Lynne was the only one who guessed in the 6 pound range. Lynne, I have some of your winnings here. Everyone else who participated, you owe Lynne ten bucks!

The "Marci's-So-Glad-You-Were-Wrong" award goes to "netchaos" who guessed 3 inches longer and two pounds heavier. Ouch.

Thanks for playing!

P.S. I loved how a bunch of you changed your vote on the poll after he was born. Hilarious.


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